My Biggest Mistake
Have you ever met that someone that just brings out the best in you and you just totally dig them in every way (haha I said totally dig)? You know what I'm talking about. They bring out your creativity, your passions, your humor.... They strengthen your weaknesses and put you in your place when need be. They engage your mind and make you feel like you are capable of achieving all that you dreamed of and more. They not only bring out your passions, but they share them as well. You connect spiritually with them. They make you feel safe and look out for your well being. They protect our heart no matter the consequence. They are the one person you've been able to completely trust, respect, and admire. Yet the thought of getting attached to that person scares you to no end. You get so scared that despite what you truly desire and who you truly are, you subconsciously sabotage the one relationship that you really wanted to work out. Have you ever done that?This past year has been a good one for me. Although I hate being lonely, it is at those times that I do a lot of reflecting and self discovery. The biggest thing I've discovered about myself, is that I do just what I described above. When I start getting to close to a guy and too attached, I begin to do exactly what I know will make that guy back off. If he doesn't like clingy, that's what I become. If he doesn't like aloof, I play that card. And some of them I keep them at a distance that I am comfortable with and just completely avoid defining the relationship. They eventually tire of that and then I don't have to worry about it. That way... They are the ones doing the leaving and I don't have to. That's totally not fair of me. Because there are some really great guys out there who have ended up looking like the bad guy because they back off. I really feel like I am responsible for that to a large degree. Probably not completely at fault, but I'm not totally free of that responsibility.
I think that that may of been what happened in one potential relationship in particular. I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't regret that because things were never completely settled or decided. They were just left up in the air, at least from my viewpoint. And every day it just kills me not to know what might have been. How do you move on from something you don't feel is really over? What am I supposed to do with these feelings? Do I ignore them? Do I force them away? Is it possible to just stop feeling? How can I ever find someone who feels that right? I try to justify things the way they are. I pretend like it's not what I want but I am just in denial. Nobody wants to be the fool who waited for something that never comes. But more than that, nobody wants that mistake to be public.
That charade has left me emotionally exhausted and lonelier than I have ever felt. And I'm sick of it. I would rather be single for the rest of my life than to pretend that I'm over it and settle for someone I don't care as much about. That's not fair to anybody. I don't want to always wonder what might have been.
I'm done.....
posted by BeeJ @ 5:51 AM
0 comments
